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Dec. 27th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

new journal, an official change.


Dec. 17th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

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i take valium, lots of valium, valium

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Dec. 5th, 2006


Acid junkie, college flunking dirty puppy daddy bastard.

“I think I’ll get a cheaper ticket next, it wasn’t worth the ride.”
I am writing this entry while waiting for Carol, and I hope it turns out to be a real one-a multi paragraphed account of myself. Who knew that I could run out of words to describe my life? Hmm, I must update my user info sometime soon-it should contain current information and such.

C’mon Carol, I’m getting cold. Oh, so I tagged an extra 5 hours on this coming Thursday which is good when you are low on cash around Christmas time. I think I only will get certain people gifts this year, and that includes family members. The cost of pretending that an acquaintance is a friend has gone up. Only those who I truly love will be blessed with a bauble ranging in cost from 15 to 25 dollars.

My semester is winding down and finals start Saturday and I have one Monday and two on Tuesday. The weekday exams are the ones I am prepared for. Not so much for the Saturday class. I have to touch up Lab 3, do Lab 4 and 5, reprint HW 2, and resend HW 3, and then that is all. The assignments I am not turning in will cost me 150 points leaving me with a B to start with, but overall I should end up with an unenthusiastic C.

Carol and I had a glamour session tonight in psychology. Oh, and I ran into a an old hospital pal today at 7 Eleven.

textbookproofs (9:40:01 PM): i spent today at work thinking about the history of mopping. mr. clean's low point in life must have been mopping, and the pinsol bitch only made it worse. then he got addicted to H and became green arrows sidekick.

curbyourentropy (9:40:19 PM): you're such a writer.

Dec. 4th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

When Canadians act tough, they sound like they're talking dirty in bed-but they're bad at it. "What?

Since my last update I have switched jobs and now work at 7 Eleven.

My major has switched from Nursing to AAS in Funeral Services and then a Bachelors in Psychology-being a mortician should give me material to wirte about.

Writing has flatlined. I can't commit to plot, but I still try.

No More Drugs, except xtc-and that must be spread out.

I turned 19.

Oh, god.....Fragment.

Sep. 28th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

(no subject)

I spent the night at my bosses R and L again. Except this time Lindsey got a puppy pit bull and I spent most of the night playing with "Panda" instead of doing my paper. But it was finished in the morning. We watched some movies, complained.

In the morning Lindsey and I went to go pay my ticket, but the officer had not sent it through yet, so I am to wait and call often next week. However, if he does not get it sent through by the 11th of October, then I may or may not have to pay it. Or they can bring a prosecuter in to a hearing or whatever. Who cares? I get to dress up. 

After that we headed to Target and I bought some jackets, and [The Wild] DVD. Lindsey grabbed a 120 dollar knife set off the shelf and returned it to customer service with a receipt. 

Now I am tired, so very tired. Yet, I still have two classes. Philosophy @ 5:30 and Psychology @ 7:00. Then out of here by 8:20, and home around 9:00 to do laundry and sleep. Then work, then a test, then a lab, then home, then sleep, then class, then work, then another paper, then blah blah bblah;sjfhajsbh

Sep. 25th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

Japanese men in spandex dancing....

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

8 hours of overtime...and more shit to come.

I love [relentlessly cunty]. That queen sure know how to crank out a song to jack-off to...erhmm. 

So..... I quit work last Thursday by walking out and not saying a word. I went home and slept for 3 and a half hours. Then I reurturned the phone calls from my bosses; and well it turns out that I will be getting a raise, and the Butcher Block Supervisior posistion soon. That is when my ass got out of bed and reutrned to work to grovel, and such. And I turned down an offer to snort some meth. That is me sober. He snorted it at work, because he did not have a pipe, or glass to hotline the shit. 

Work has been easy, although yesterday (Sunday I mean) was my fifth day working, and today is going to be the sixth, and I have no day off until this Thursday. I am tired, but had homework, and a TAMAGOTCHI! I think this is AMp numer 3, Vault number...shit 10 out of 12, and finally (drumroll) coffee cup 8. Just typing this makes me want to pee, put on deodorant, and brush my teeth. 

I have a Philosophy paper due Thursday, and it will be written Thrusday when I wake up. (The paper, is to state, and explain the Teleological Argument, and to list the objects, and give our opinion). I have an Etymology paper due next Monday and it shall be done when I have the time over the weekend, as well as any notes that need to be typed. However, tomorrow, after work and a shower, I must take a test before Speech class at seven. 

Oh, and my Philo. Prof. actually found me some books that argue for the choice of suicide, or at least attempt, to validate it as a choice, so I will be reading alot more. BUT, my final exam schedule is as follows:

Speech- Oct. 9th
Philosophy- Oct 12th (Bluebook)
Psychology- ??? (When the material is covered)
Computer Science (Oct. 14th)

So expect me to post some random thoughts and facts and rants during that time period. 

Also, I must pay my ticket on a day I have off next week, with a proof of Insurance...i.e. call the insurance company and get a copy of the paperwork. 

Peace out, 
And suck my clit,

OH, I need a drag-queen name, for when I go to Afterlife.

Sep. 15th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium

A bunch of shit...

I got my first speeding ticket by going 93 in a 65 mph stretch of I-35. 28 miles over the speed limit, and I left my proof of insurance at home. But he let me go, and now my ONLY options (because of the speed) is to pay it or be placed on Defered Adjudication with probation. However, there is still a chance that I could have my license taken away or suspended. And, my new insurance card only has the dates 9/30 - 3/30, so I have to hope I find the old card, by Wednesday. But, I must schedule an appointment around 8 AM today, for my court appearance.


Philosophy is becoming more and more interesting. The Christians are offended that we are reading arguments for God, while trying to rebuttal them or object. But, now we are reading arguments against, and the same will take place.

I found out that the belief that God "abandoned" his creation is shared with David Hume, in a quick flash of thoughts. His exact words are:

This world, for aught he knows, is very faulty and imperfect, compared to a superior standard, and was only the first rude essay of some infant deity who afterwards abandoned it, ashamed of his lame performance; it is the work of some dependent, inferior deity, and is the object of derision to his superiors; it is the production of old age and dotage in some superannuated deity, and ever since his death has run on at adventures, from the first impulse and active force which it retrieved from him.

[Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion]

I enjoyed reading that very much, and cannot wait to by some books that argue a case for suicide. Camus was my primary text on suicide in philosophy, but he ultimately argued against it, Sartre did as well. Life, and living, is for the strong, and is meant to be a challenge. “Every sane man thinks of suicide,” BUT don’t do it. I would just like to read a chain of thoughts that support it with logic a priori and a posteriori.

“No logic, a priori!”

I also found a copy of [Splendor in the Grass] on VHS at Half Priced Books. This is one of my favorite Natelie Wood movies, and it took for ever for me to find it. 

Later Bitches, 
Nate Reed

Man I am freaking out.

Other than that I am fine, my medications stayed the same when I went to see my psychiatrist today. This is the first time since I began seeing her, and before all the hospitalizations. My Meds:

1. Valium- 10 mg

2. Klonopin- 1 mg PRN

3. Celexa- 60 mg

4. LiCO3- 1800 mg

5. Abilify- 10 mg (I also got a months worth of samples.)

I have also been hanging out with my bosses, Lindsey and Robert, who are now dating and living together. I told Lindsey I was bi, because she got offended when I said that I did not, "find her attractive." So the other day she was making asking questions about what I have done with a guy and girl, which was fine. But, then she made a comment when I threatened to hit her with a long, think loaf of stale bread; and she said, "Oh, you like that, huh?” So I replied with, "maybe Chris, our store director, needs to know about your change in address." (The assistant and main managers are not supposed to date, and I am not even allowed to hang out with them technically.) So she was shocked, walked off, came back, and I told her I would never do that, even if I got fired, or quit, or really pissed off. She, quickly became normal again; and we continued to talk about gay-homo-queer butt sex, until Ashley showed up.

Later, on I was starting the nightly ritual of closing, as I sprayed the back listening to [Bright Eyes and other various artists], when she walked back to get her pouches of berry, Skoal, dip. I then sprayed the hose in a constant stream across the back, moving it up and down, so she would have to walk through it. She called me a "niggar" and I called her a "cum bucket," eventually she ran through it and laughed.

Today she had her tonsils taking out and I went over to visit after my classes. I got the ticket on my way home at 3 AM.

Sep. 4th, 2006

i take valium, lots of valium, valium


I'm laying here with two pillows for support typing. I plan to write an actual entry, however, my thoughts have all escaped me for the time. 

The dryer is running with clothes inside, preceded by two loads. The dials, and switches must have confused me at some point causing me to walk off. Yet, I returned with a jovial spirit toward chores and found a way to make it spin and warm up. Two more load must be run through, and then one more item can be crossed of my "to-do list." Two more loads, through the dryer, and I will have my uniform ready to be worn to work, which is at 10.

I am beginning to reread [Being and Nothingness] after my philosophy professor somewhat-quoted the book. He did so in an attempt to disprove the classes idea of knowledge. "Unicorns have horns, do they exist?" An old quote, previously said and written many times; but it was still effective. 

A true, justified, belief. It does not exist, so knowledge does not exist. Nothing unknown is knowable. There is no truth, and well that is a paradox. But, with "proof" behind the theory, it tends to make sense. And, yet many philosophies are built around this. 

Existentialism deconstructed. 

Man is abandoned on earth. The creator or God is dead, or has left due to boredom or some other emotion. Man is stranded, and has no real attachment to this world that we live in. We stand on it, we substane life from it, but it does not make us need it, and it does not need us(the individual being). We are slowly proving the possibility of life somewhere else, and men and women are living in space right now, without the support of the earth, itself. The elements we use to maintain, are found everywhere. There is no attachment to this planet.  If we die, it is by chance, or a "happy accident."

Man, unlike any other item, or being in existence is free through imagination. We have control over our being. Plants, elements, and creatures do not. They are at the mercy of the environment around them. If a plant is not watered it will die, but if it is watered, and fertilized, it will flourish. Animals react to external, and internal stimuli without thought. If hungry, they eat. If scared, they run or fight. And elements are left up to the will of man. A rock can be a weapon, or a building material. Uranium can be a source of energy or a component in a bomb. We are free because we are, before we are an adjective. "Our existence, comes before our essence." So we should have the option to control who we are, what we do, and how we feel. But the imagination is, "the mind which is where hallucinations come from, shouldn't be able to make anything up that wasn't there to start with that didn't enter it from experience from the real world. Imagination can't create anything new can it? It only recycles bits and pieces from the world and reassembles them into visions. Am I making sense right now?"

So we are really never able to escape our existence or the existence of the seemingling synthetic world around us. Could that be the bridge to connect man to the world. To assume responsibility for it.  Or could it be the dependency on elements, and chemicals, and compounds, and much more biochem to exist that ties us, binds us here. 

Without a God, or fate we should be able to control every aspect of our lives, besides, when someone intervenes in ours. However, we could still be responsible. We could jaywalk and be hit by a car. In the hospital or your last moments in existence, you would blame the driver, only giving up your freedom. 

Existentialism tries to abolish the dualsims of philosophy. We can hold the idea that we are free, and yet fall into submission, or pass it up with a self-help book or an accident. Yet, we say there is no truth(absolute truth) and continue thinking. There is only the truth, that is the subject and thoughts of the individual. It is based off his perception and his interaction with the world, or the interactions within it, conducted by others. 

I'm not sure, but I've believe that I've gone in a circle. And so my thoughts, end.  

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